How I Destroyed My Mental Health Trying to 'Stay Healthy' During the Holidays

I used to think I had it all figured out! As the token "healthy" family member with a career in fitness, I knew exactly what to do during the holidays: plan my workouts, make nutritious choices, stay disciplined while everyone else "let themselves go." I'd be the one who came out of the holiday season unscathed, a survivor of temptations no one else could withstand.

Let's just say that mindset doesn't work.

I'm not sure which year was the worst. After years of fighting eating disorders, they all started to blend together. I spent more time anxious about food than I did enjoying the people I loved. I was miserable. And the irony? I was doing it all in the name of health.

Every social event became a calculation. Every meal required a plan. I'd stand at holiday parties holding a plate of vegetables while everyone else enjoyed themselves, feeling simultaneously superior and completely isolated.

I compared myself to everyone. I judged what other people ate. I mentally categorized every food as "good" or "bad." I felt resentful toward people who seemed to eat "whatever they wanted" without obsessing.

And the worst part? I couldn't turn it off. Even when I wasn't at an event, I was thinking about the next one. Strategizing. Planning. Stressing.

I wasn't present for a single conversation that season. I was too busy managing my anxiety about food.

But here's what I didn't realize at the time: The goal that I was pursuing was unattainable. I'd spent six weeks of my life miserable in pursuit of a goal that didn't even matter.

I'd missed moments with my family because I was too anxious to be present. I'd turned down invitations because I didn't want to deal with the food. I'd made the people around me uncomfortable with my rigidity and judgment. I'd exercised as punishment, eaten out of fear, and treated my body like something that needed to be controlled rather than cared for.

That wasn't health. That was disordered.

I wish I could say I had some grand epiphany, but the truth is, it took a few more holiday seasons of misery before I really got it.

The shift happened slowly. I started questioning the behaviors I thought were "healthy":

• Was it really healthy to exercise solely as a way to burn calories before a meal?

• Was it really healthy to restrict all day and show up to dinner ravenous?

• Was it really healthy to see foods as "good" and "bad" and feel guilt for eating the "bad" ones?

• Was it really healthy to spend weeks stressed and anxious in the name of "staying on track"?

  
  

The answer, of course, was no.

True health isn't just about what you eat or how much you move. It's about your relationship with food, your stress levels, your ability to be present, your connection with the people you love.

And I'd sacrificed all of that in the name of being the "perfect" fitness person who's body was the most interesting thing about them.

Now, I'm repairing the damage with holidays that now look different.

I don't do pre-meal workouts to "earn" my food. I move because it feels good, or I don't move at all.

I don't fast all day before a holiday meal. I eat normally, honor my hunger, and show up actually ready to enjoy the food.

I don't weigh myself anymore, at all.

I don't categorize foods as "good" or "bad." I eat what I genuinely want, pay attention to when it stops tasting amazing, and stop there.

And most importantly? I prioritize being present over being "perfect."

Because here's the truth I had to learn the hard way: the holidays are 2-3 days, not six weeks. The meal itself isn't what matters. It's what you do between Thanksgiving and Christmas — and whether you spend that time stressed and miserable or actually living your life.

The people who seem to "get away with eating whatever they want" aren't lucky. They've just built a sustainable lifestyle that doesn't require them to white-knuckle their way through every special occasion.

And you can too.

If you're reading this and recognizing yourself in any part of my story, I want you to know: you're not broken. You're not failing. You're just stuck in a cycle that's been reinforced for years.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you exercise solely as a way to "burn calories" before or after holiday meals?

2. Do you "save up calories" by restricting for hours or days, ignoring your hunger?

3. Do you eat until you're uncomfortably full because you feel like you have to "get it in while you can"?

4. Do you see foods as "good" and "bad" and feel guilt for eating the "bad" ones?

5. Do you plan to "get back on track" or "be good again" immediately after the holidays?

6. Do you feel resentful toward people who seem to eat without worry?

   
   

If you answered yes to any of these, you're not alone. I've been there. And these patterns run deep — I still catch myself falling into them sometimes.

But if you're tired of feeling stressed, overwhelmed, guilty, and exhausted during what's supposed to be a joyful season, there's another way.

You don't have to earn your food. You don't have to punish yourself with exercise. You don't

have to restrict and binge and start over in January.

You can just... enjoy your life.

I promise, it's worth it.